No News is .... and by the way Happy Birthday

No news really is good news! However, I do apologize for not keeping up this post.

The past month and 1/2 have been, dare I say, good. Cindy has/is recovering well from surgery with just minor issues to be addressed in that regard. Radiation has been on going since Thanksgiving. While the surgeon is very confident that he was able to remove all of the cancer cells within the main tumor and lymph nodes the Radiation Oncologist was slightly concerned with the star burst pattern seen in the pathology report from the tumor. So to be safe and confident they have simply decided to increase the amount of radiation to some areas. Cindy is all "tattooed" up (the tattoes are so they can line her up with the radiation machine exactly the same each time) and has been receiving daily radiation treatments. She should be done New Years Eve! What a way to say adieu to the old and ring in the new!

The main side affect of her radiation treatment is fatigue, but in her words it's not too bad. Her doctors remind her to take it easy - so I don't have to nag! She is out shopping today with Reedo. He took the day off for her birthday and they are getting in some Holiday cheer. Peach fuzz has appeared on her head and as a special gift to her the first things that grew back were her eyelashes and eyebrows. She remains as gorgeous as ever! (I think I'm going to miss her scarves and hats. She is one classy looking lady in her fancy scarves).

During this season of Thanks and Gift giving we are most thankful for the gift of Cindy's life. I am breathing just a bit easier because, I know many of you are like me and cannot possibly imagine life without her!!!!

Happiest of birthdays dear friend!

posted by Libby

Surgery

We knew by feel and looks that the tumor in the breast had shrunk. We were hoping for the same regarding the tumor in the lymph nodes. The Doctor's noted that upon "physical examination" the results of the chemo therapy were dramatic. Last Friday, Cindy had another MRI prior to surgery. These scans showed these hoped for dramatic results. The tumor in the sentinel node was gone and the tumor in the breast showed only a "hot spot" and the clip that was attached early on just in case the tumor disappeared so that the surgeon would know where the original growth was. During surgery this past Friday the surgeon removed the sentinel node and one or two other nodes. No cancer was found in these nodes! What was a 3+ centimeter tumor, (about the size of a golf ball) in the breast was now less than 1/2 a millimeter. They removed all the tissue left around this "hot spot" which ended up being about 3 centimeters or the size of the original tumor. They will slice this tissue and thoroughly test it in cross sections for any signs of live cancer cells. They do not expect to find much. Radiation will begin in about 3 weeks and it will kill off any remaining bad cells. Cindy is home and doing quite well. I suppose once you have the base line scale of how you feel during chemo therapy treatments, really yucky, everything else seems fairly good. In other words, the pain from the surgery, is low on the scale compared to the pain and side effects of chemo.

Cindy is ready to climb out of the valley and head for the mountain top. We are all grateful for her determination and fortitude. We feel so very lucky and recognize the Lord in all things. I am hesitant to use the word "blessed" because although we feel blessed by the Lord daily it does not mean that we are favored over another. During this final day of October - breast cancer awareness month - we pause to honor all those beloved friends and family members who have fought a similar fight with varying results. Each a winner although some have been granted the chance to linger longer here on earth.

Then Samuel took a stone, and set it between Mizpeh and Shen, and called it the name of Ebenezer, saying Hereto hath the LORD helped us. 1 Samuel 7:12

Here I raise my Ebenezer

Here by Thy great help I've come

And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger

Wandering from the fold of God;

He, to rescue me from danger,

Interposed His precious blood.

(Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing)

The word Ebenezer comes from Hebrew and is actually two words pronounced together: Even Haazer. "Even" meaning "stone" and the root "Ezer" of Haazer, meaning "help" or Stone of Help. Jacob, Joshua, Samuel, and even Christ in Gethsemane, all found rest and help upon stone. With grateful hearts we too recognize that thus far the Lord has been with us. The way has been hard. But much has been learned. With warm hearts we welcome this coming season of thanksgiving and raise our own Ebenezer recognizing His helping hand and will in all things and pray for His continuing help over us all.

Dear Family and Friends

We have good news! The chemo has done it's job! I will be having surgery on Friday, Oct. 30th at LDS hospital. When I met with the surgeon last week he was very positive. My oncologist called it a "dramatic response" to the chemotherapy. I went in for another MRI and ultrasound which showed that the tumor has completely disappeared and the lymph nodes looked clear. There was one little area in the breast that lit up on the MRI which could either be cancer cells or scar tissue. As a result, they will do a partial mastectomy and only have to take out my sentinel node. This truly is amazing and I have felt a need to repent for hating chemo so much when it was doing me so much good! There is a life lesson in here somewhere!

Thank you for your prayers, for putting my name in the temple, and for your love and support. I know this is an answer to all our prayers and I am very grateful for each and every one of you.

The surgery will be same day surgery so I will even be home in time to pass out Halloween candy to all the Trick or Treaters! Happy Halloween everyone. I love you all.
Cindy

So What's My Problem?

I know - it's been a week since my last chemo and it's past time for me to make an entry. To be honest, I've been avoiding it. You would think I would be anxious to shout to the whole world, or at least my friends..."I'm done being poisoned!" Am I glad I don't have to go back for another treatment? Oh, yes, I am so glad. Did I enjoy chemo? Hated it. Have I been looking forward to this time since the first side effects of chemo #1? With great anticipation. Do I want hair and eyelashes again? Yes, but eyelashes more than hair - hair takes so much time! So what's my problem? Why don't I feel this great sense of relief? I've been asking myself that for several days.... could it still be chemo brain? Am I just kind of emotionally desensitized? Am I just an ungrateful schmuck?

It finally hit me why my heart felt reluctant to celebrate while my mind was sure I was happy to be done. It's that mix of emotions - the kind you have when the journey you have been on, however long and challenging, has also brought you so many blessings that you can't even count them - I can truly say for me that this little journey's blessings have greatly outweighed the struggle. Some blessings may come but once, others will always stay by my side. I guess my problem is that I will miss some of those blessings. But they will all stay in my heart and not forgotten.

I made a list in my mind the other day and it became so long my mind could not mentally hold them all. This inability may come as no surprise to some of you, but really, it was an incredible list. Tonight it will go in my journal and probably many entries henceforth as the remembrance of blessings keep flooding my mind. I feel the deepest of gratitude - even for this experience because without it I would have missed so so much. So much experience, so many relationships strengthened, so much love.

I realize I am only through one leg of the journey, but all the courageous survivors I've talked to tell me it is the most difficult part. With surgery and radiation still to go, I look forward to being a "survivor" myself. For now, I'm going to continue to savor the blessings I've received - even though there are really too many to count. If that's my problem, I welcome it.

Having the best family, friends, neighbors, and bloggers in the world is an indisputable fact for me. A heartfelt thank you to all of you who celebrated with me in one way or another as I finished chemo #8. I did not go it alone - all your love and support gave me strength. Your prayers and faith gave me the fight when that weak side of me surfaced. You are, one of those many blessings I'm counting. You have been a part of a wonderful problem.

Yippee!!!

Tomorrow is the last Chemo treatment!!! Update to follow!

and by the way - Happy Birthday Reed.

More than skin deep

Chemo treatment 7 is completed! Cindy continues to amaze us all. The other night we had a baby shower at our home. Cindy waited until towards the end of the event to come over and there were mainly young, beautiful women left visiting with the mother to be. The rest of us older folks were in the kitchen area starting to clean up. I was standing next to Cindy near the dining room table and a very sharp and attractive young mother in her late 20's or early 30's stepped up to us, looked Cindy in the eyes and said, "May I just tell you how absolutely gorgeous you look." Cindy's head was wrapped in one of her cool scarfs that either Erica or Shauna had given or made for her. She was stunning. I notice that Cindy carries herself more confidently in her scarfs than in other head attire. I told her it empowers her! She glows, so to speak, and it is not the radiation because she hasn't started that yet. Cindy doesn't know how physically beautiful she is. Cori and I often tease her and are amazed that someone so good looking is our friend and how she doesn't mind being seen with out of shape, not so gorgeous but rather jolly us! It is because Cindy gets it. Her soul is even more beautiful than her body.

Final Chemo will be Oct 8, 2009. We cannot wait! I've already warned the Cancer Center that we plan on a P A R T Y!

What a difference a week can make

With the bout of pneumonia and the fact that her hematocrit was very, very low the doctors decided it would be best if Cindy waited an extra week before having her next Taxol chemo treatment. What a good decision that was. In that week's time her body was given the chance to re cooperate. Cindy had come home from the hospital with oxygen tanks but her health improved, she worked her lungs and by mid week was able to breath deeply on her own with her oxygen levels reading in the mid 90's. Yeah! The extra week also gave her body time to build up the red blood cells a little and the antibiotics helped to get her white cells to the levels they should be. Because she had an extra week of no chemo she was able to have a little more energy. So much that she picked, peeled and canned 28 quarts of peaches besides making a lot of peach jam. The provident living instilled in her by her father, mother and older siblings could not even be set aside by cancer. She simply could not stand to see the fruit drop off the tree and rot on the ground. The end result, beautiful jars of beautiful peaches! Every other year that Cindy has canned and then shared her harvest, we call them Cindy's gold for to us her peaches in the middle of the cold winter are more precious than gold. These jars will be even more so!

Friday was treatment 6. She was physically and mentally prepared for the event. When the oncologist asked if she would like to go on a three week instead of a two week regiment she boldly answered, "No. I'm ready for this. Let's move on and get it over with". She is brave and determined.

So far she is doing well. Fatigue will set in soon but she is enjoying every good moment that she has. She is grateful to you all for your fasts and prayers and calls and visits. We are now, dare I say, looking forward to just moving on!

posted by libby

There's no place like home

Cindy is coming home from the hospital. We are very grateful. Her hematocrit levels are still very low but through the night they started building themselves up and the doctors have decided against a transfusion. Her white counts have reached a good level. She is weak and tired and still having trouble breathing deeply, because of the pneumonia. But they are giving her oxygen and she gets to go home.

Thursday was to be treatment 6 of chemo. They will hold off one week and allow a little more time to heal. For those who have been through this it is not unusual. It will be good to allow her body the extra week to recover before going through this again.

Cindy wants all to know that while she cannot talk to each of you, she loves you all and thinks of you daily. It is difficult for her to talk on the phone and often she is downstairs, away from the house remodel noise and does not have a phone in that bedroom. She is not ignoring you, she just can't hear the phone nor is able to really talk much. But she loves you all and knows that you care. I have passed along all the emails and notes I have received. Thank you all.

Let's all keep prayers said that she will continue to heal and be strong for the next treatment.

posted by libby

I blaming this on Ted!

Sorry Ted. Let me clarify this for folks. As you all know it had been sometime since I had updated this blog. Feeling a bit hesitant for fear of a "jinx". (See previous blog entry.) Well, Ted, Cindy's brother, commented that I was being a bit of a slacker - my words not his - in posting. So I posted. Now we jinxed it!

Last Friday Cindy started running a low grade fever. She felt pretty good over all, a little congested as well as the fever, but ok. Her white cell count was very high on Friday but the Physician Assistant and nurses just said that was due to the neulasta shot she got last week. (Mind you it has never spiked that high before with other shots) Cindy and I thought she might have an infection, but were told it was fine. By Sunday morning she had a temp of 103 and a heavy feeling in her chest. This required a trip to the Emergency Room where she was later admitted into the hospital for pneumonia. Her oxygen levels were low and her WBC was still very high. She has been receiving antibiotics, a whole bunch of fluids and oxygen and this morning her levels have improved. Her white cell count is coming down. It is very likely that she will be in the hospital for another day or so, mainly as a precaution to get a good handle on the pneumonia and not allow it to progress. Her spirits are relatively high considering all. She just wants to get better and get home!

This really isn't Ted fault but I haven't seen him for so long and I needed to hassle him. :). I promise to keep you all posted on her progress. And let you know when she gets home. As always thanks for the support and prayers.

Posted by Libby

keeping our fingers crossed and prayers said

I must admit that I have been a bit hesitant to blog in that it might "jinx" how Cindy is feeling. Last Thursday was the first of the new chemo treatment, and ..... her systems seems to be tolerating the taxol somewhat better. Usually by this time after a treatment she is at an all time low. She had become dehydrated and feeling really, really yucky! But...knock on wood, she is maintaining fluids and not quite as dehydrated. The nausea has been kept in check and while she is extremely exhausted and feeling like she is getting the flu, both side effects of the taxol, she is doing ok.

We will take as many "good" days as given and be grateful for them. Ali is now down at Snow College and adjusting to life as a co-ed. Meg started 10th grade today. (how did that happen!) The remodel is moving along and in fact Meg is almost back into her room. (it is cute as can be by the way) and Reed maintains a steady watch over all.

Their freezer is now bursting at the seams with food from neighbors and friends and while all is not quite right in the world, for this moment it is just a bit better than it has been. It is these brief moments and the support of family and friends and of course the Lord that will get Cindy through the rough times still ahead.

posted by libby

The secret is patience???

"Adopt the pace of nature: her secret is patience." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Somewhere during my teenage years I decided that patience would be a virtue I really wanted to have in my life. Not sure where it came from - maybe some inspiring seminary lesson somewhere along the way or something, but I've always really, really, wanted to be a patient person. So.... I have always prayed for patience. (You can take this as a warning if you want). Ironically, most of my life I have felt like an impatient person and if you were to ask my kids, they would most likely not argue with that point. But how do you know if you are a patient person if your patience isn't challenged? Granted, life has given me that challenge from time to time. Sometimes I've passed, and others I've failed miserably. Through it all, I've learned and grown and even if my patience has increased, there's many times I wish I had never prayed for patience at all!

Today when Libby, Reed and I went for my pick me up fluids and nausea meds (I.V.), It was one of those days when I wished I didn't have to learn patience...again. I used to think once you learned it, you always had it...not true. Again, from the wise words of Ralph Waldo Emerson I must adopt patience into my life. Today the nurse told me not to work in my yard or my garden and I realized it was okay...my garden is patient. It's had to be and it will be fine. Unlike myself, it's nature is to be patient and together, my garden and I, we will get through this pace of life together. Maybe I'll finally learn that secret...maybe....for now.

I cannot end this entry without letting all of you know how much I have felt the strength of your prayers. Thank you for your cards, your messages, your blog posts, calls, visits, meals, treats, gifts and thoughts. My heart is poured out in gratitude for each of you. Your goodness has been one of the greatest blessings in my life and that of our family. Simply but sincerely, thank you, thank you, thank you.

Half-way there ... but who's counting? WE ARE!

Yippee, Whoo Hoo, Hip Hip Hooray, by golly we are half way through Chemo treatments! Yesterday marked Cindy's 4th Chemo treatment and starting in two weeks she changes regiments. She will begin receiving Taxol. Taxol is an anti cancer drug which works by inhibiting cells from dividing. If a cell can't divide, it can't grow and dies. Taxol kills all the cells, but the good thing is that the normal cells will grow back and the bad cells....well they don't. Taxol belongs to a class of chemotherapy drugs called plant alkaloids. It's made from things like the periwinkle plant, the bark of the pacific yew tree, parts of the May Apple plant and the Asian "happy tree". I guess we could say Cindy is going organic! Side effects are somewhat similar to the other drugs with the exception that the nausea will most likely be dramatically reduced. yeah! On the other hand, fatigue will increase.

It seems that with each of the past treatments the nausea hits faster and harder. She is on edge today and trying to hold it all in - literally. We go in today for a Neulasta shot. She receives these each time she has Chemo and it is to basically help rebuild her blood counts back up, in particular the neutrophil - those marines of the white cells that fight infection. She will go in next Wed for her Nadir visit and they are just planning on giving her fluids to rehydrate since it has been a pattern now that she will need more fluids at her low point. (Nadir is basically the low point of her treatment cycle which for Cindy falls about 5-8 days after Chemo treatment. However I just spoke with her and it seems like it has moved up to day 2 already. They run a CBC - the blood count and will now give fluids and more anti nausea to help her feel better.) This next week will be spent trying not to count the hours, even minutes of each day, waiting for the time to pass so that she will feel better.

Next week is a big one in the Gardner household. Meg starts school again .... Ali turns 18 and then .... leaves for Snow College! Special prayers are need for Cindy to have the strength to see this all through. The remodel of the home is moving along and looking beautiful. The main, large tumor continues to shrink which is the greatest blessing of all. We know rough days are ahead but for now were are taking joy in the moment.

post script: The name 'happy tree' is a direct translation of the Chinese name xi shu. It is also called the "Cancer tree" or "the Tree of Life". )

posted by Libby

update - nothing clever to say about dry heaves!

The nausea has been extreme these past few days. It required a trip to the Cancer Center where it was discovered that there has been an excessive weight loss this past week. Cindy was severely dehydrated, fatigued and in need of fluids. She received two units of fluids, powerful anti nausea medicine and steroids. Her hematocrit level continues to fall, which again is to be expected but are now to a new low level. What is of most concern is her ability to fight infection. Cindy's ANC, Absolute Neutrophil Count, remember those are the marines in the army of white blood cells that fight infection, are non existent. 0.0 , nil, Nada, nothing! It is for this reason that I have not seen, nor hugged, nor been within the same room as Cindy since last Saturday, because I have a lousy cold. Thanks to Karen for taking her downtown and meeting Reedo at the Doctor's office. If even a sniffle or headache is felt by any of you, please stay away. Cindy must keep a check on her temperature for the least sign of fever or infection.

The fluids she received today have helped already. She is home, trying to rest and just waiting for the day to pass. New medicine has been ordered and Karen set up a spreadsheet tracking table for her. A quiet night with restful sleep is something Cindy looks forward to. Perhaps we will adopt the attitude of Scarlett O'Hara, for tomorrow is another day!

This too shall pass...hopefully a little sooner than later!

posted by Libby

A few months without a bad hair day.

A few weeks ago, Ali, Cindy* and I took a semi-spontaneous road trip from Farmington to Ephriam to visit Snow College. Ali met with a guidance counselor about her first semester schedule, Cindy paid a bill and I got to see campus and the cute apartment complex where Ali will be living. Before leaving we stopped to take a few pictures. As Cindy handed the camera off to me to join Ali by the flowers, she ran her fingers through her hair and looked down at all the stands left behind in her hand. We were in good humor about it (check out the picture) but it was still surprising. I thought her hair was safe through a few more rounds of treatment.

After Quarter Pounders and a visit to Grandma, we arrived home. As we chatted around the counter, deciding if we were too tired to play Rook, Cindy plucked strands of hair off her clothing. After looking over the pile she had gathered in a baseball cap, she announced, “I think we better shave it tonight” and then after a short pause she added, “But it has to be fun.” Not only was Cindy taking her hair before chemo slowly crept in to claim it, she wanted to have a good time doing it.

Ali skillfully cropped one side, while I worked on the other. We left a 3-inch strip down the center for a mohawk. If someone had asked you in December whether Cindy Gardner would ever have a mohawk, what would you have said?


I’m pretty sure I would have laughed out loud and I certainly wouldn’t have thought she’d look so dang good with a punk ‘do! Reed decided to shave his head to match. Using Deven’s fancy clippers, Cindy replaced the cul-do-sac do with a new Bruce Willis look (which I think is quite flattering).
Cindy kept a few locks for sentiment (and color samples) and Deven buzzed the rest. We laughed because it was fun. We cried because we were saying goodbye to Cindy’s beautiful hair, and also because we were acknowledging that it was the cancer’s fault it was gone. We all know Cindy is beautiful. In a stunning, radiant kind of way. I didn’t realize it had nothing to do with her hair.
Courage. Amen! That’s Cindy! As this battle continues, I’m sure Cindy will show this courage again and when she isn’t up for it, we’ll all try to be courageous for her. Though I doubt it will come quite as naturally to most of us.


*I’m calling Mom, “Cindy” to stick with blog format.

**We’re hoping Cindy gets to keep her eyelashes. That seems cosmically fair.

Posted by: Erica Gardner

sometimes the best way out . . . is through

Robert Frost spoke of this. Nearly 20 years ago, after months of anticipation, planning and saving, many of my family members had the opportunity of traveling to southern California for a two day overdose of Disneyland.

Anxious to spend every moment enjoying the amusement park, my nieces and nephews were among the first to arrive at the entrance gates. As soon as the gates were open they made a beeline straight for splash mountain, only to find that it was closed for repairs. Undaunted, they decided to just take in the next closest major attraction…that was the haunted mansion.

The younger children eagerly pressed ahead and soon found themselves in a room full of strangers. The door closed and an eerie voice began to speak. At that very instant, Kate, who was then 7 years old and had never been to Disneyland before became frightened and announced quite audibly that she did no want this experience and wanted to leave now. It was in the next few moments that my insightful and loving sister, recognizing a teaching moment, taught one of the greatest lessons in life.

Amidst the crowd, she slowly bent down and gathering her trembling little girl into her arms, explained that it was too late to leave. Then as the wall opened and Kate could see the dimly lit hallway beyond, my sister quoted the wisdom of Robert Frost and said ….

"Sometimes, the only way out is through."

"But dear Kate, I love you and I will hold you close and softly sing songs to you and we will go through this together. Soon it will be over."

Cindy is experiencing her own "haunted mansion". The ride the past few weeks has been a rough one and she would just as soon get off. Yet she knows that the only and best way out is through! She has three down and 5 to go. The chemo is doing what it is supposed to be doing and the side effects are crappy! And while her blood counts are low, she has been holding her own in regards to her white blood count, (remember those are the marines that fight infection) and her platelets. Her hemotocrit, that's what measures the red blood cells, continues to fall, which leads to her enormous fatigue and dizziness. And the side effect of "chemo brain" is driving her nuts. But the tumors appear to be shrinking and that makes it all worthwhile.

Visits should be kept very short, a brief stop to say hello and I love you is about all she can or should handle. And remember if you are sick it is best to stay away. She has been working hard at getting out for walks when she can and amid all the ciaos of construction still manages to keep an immaculate house. The notes and emails and blog comments are wonderful - keep them coming. Cindy has mentioned to me countless times that she is overcome by the support and love she feels from you all! She knows she cannot do this alone. She has hosts of loved ones both here and in the heavens that are encircling her and we are having Cori sing softly, and soon it will be over!

posted by Libby

"now what was i doing?"

Chemo brain. One of the lesser-known side effects of chemotherapy, which is getting more recognition, is cognitive dysfunction commonly called "chemo-brain". People who have chemo-brain may find themselves unable to concentrate on their work, or unable to juggle multiple tasks. Some find they don't remember things as well as they used to. After our last visit with the Oncologist, she confirmed that Cindy was indeed experiencing this side effect. The good news is that it is a side effect of the chemo is not long lasting. Once the chemo is complete she will begin to see an improvement in her cognitive thinking. She will be back to multi tasking without a hitch. It may take a year, possibly two, but she will be back to "normal". (hmmm - wonder what my excuse is!) Now we can't tease Cindy with "dumb blond" jokes. dang! Especially cause she's not even blond anymore!!!

Thursday was round two of chemo treatments. As Reedo says, 2 down, 6 to go! While round 1 got the best of Cindy, she seems to be handling round 2 just a little better. Her blood counts were up, as well as her energy and mental state. She was ready to enter the ring this time without hesitation, gloves on and prepared to do battle. What a gal! She received a second shot of Neulasta which is to help keep her white blood cell count from becoming deficient.

It has been two days since the treatment. She is tired, a bit sick and generally feeling crappy, but she does not feel like she was hit by the mack truck she was hit by last time. Two days down. Just a few more days and she should be on the up swing again.

Erica was here and got to go to treatment with her. What a delight. Talk ab0ut a bit of sunshine in a dreaded task. Connie Bailey taught Cindy a new crochet stitch. Cindy and Reed are back into her own beautiful bedroom, and with all things considered life is, as Parker says, "doin good".

Erica and Cindy are showing their sad faces after just pining on our "Cancer Sucks" pin. Now "sucks" is a word I generallly refrain from using. I don't like it. But in this case, it just seems appropriate!

Bald and Balder

'You doin good?"

I've been asked this question a lot lately, but none has melted my heart the way it did last Sunday... As we often do, our family made our way across the street to enjoy the warmth and comfort of Libby and Gram's home and Cori's delicious baked chicken and mashed potatoes. Comfort food doesn't get any better - especially when enjoyed with the comfort of good friends and family. We met John and Ashley Connors in the driveway with their three beautiful children in tow. John had been telling me how little 3 year old Parker has been very faithful in making sure they bless "Cinny Gardner" to get better in every family prayer they utter. My heart was touched and thankful because I know if Parker is praying, Someone is listening. So I went over to Parker and said to him, "Thank you, Parker, for praying for me." He paused from his playing, looked up at me and right into my eyes, and with all the sincerity of his beautiful three year old blue eyes, said, "You doin good?" I melted.

My heart is getting pretty soft these days. Every comment, every prayer, and all your good wishes continue to melt my heart. And, to answer Parker's question... yes, I am doin good!
Not long after my last Dr. appt. which Libby so proficiently informed you about, I began to feel more energized, less tired and dizzy and very hungry (that's always a good sign). Having Jason and Erica here from New York has lifted my spirits and I am geared up for round two of chemo. Knowing I will have some yucky days but then knowing I will have some better days makes me feel I can do it! But most of all, it's the love and prayers and support that strengthens me.

A few days ago our good friends, Gary and Leslie Humphries, called from Texas to see "how I was doin." I told Gary, "If you ever want to feel really loved, just get really sick." He instantaneously understood and I, instantaneously, remembered when my good friend and his first wife, Scarlett, was battling cancer. There are many of you out there who also, instantaneously, understand. No matter what your trials have been, you understand what I am talking about and you also know how soft our hearts can get. Thank you for softening my heart with your love. Perhaps that's why we have challenges and little three year old boys who would even care enough to ask an old person like me, "You doin good?" Parker has surely inherited the same sensitive and soft heart of his father. Lucky boy.

Last night our soft and soggy hearts were all wrung out through our laughter and our tears as we (Erica, Ali, Deven and Reed) shaved my head. After two days of it falling out by the handful, I decided it was time to liberate myself. Reedo wanted part of the action so he is now liberated as well. We are now bald and balder. (Erica will blog more on this later). I'm sure the first question Meg will ask her dad when she comes home from girls camp will be "Where did the cul-de-sac go?" All I can say is, I am so very blessed and lucky to not only have a supportive and loving husband, but one who also has a very soft and sensitive heart. Not only that, but he looks much better bald than I do! It's a good thing I love hats.

So this is why I'm so tired!

One week down! It's been a tough one. Today Cindy had blood work done. Why is Cindy so tired? Well besides being "whacked up the side of the head" by Chemo, many of her blood work levels were low and some extremely low. Hematocrit or "HCT" is a blood test that measures the percentage of red blood cells found in whole blood. This test is used to determine levels of things like anemia. Cindy traditionally has a very high HCT level. This week that count dropped 7-8 points and while she is just below the "average" levels and there is no alarm, it is a significant drop for her. Red blood carries the oxygen in our blood. Without it we have little energy. The next levels to look at in blood work is the White Blood Count. White blood cells are our bodies defense system. Within the white blood cells are cells called neutrophil. They are the "soldiers" that attack infection within our body first. Sort of like the Marines. Now Chemotherapy is designed to kill the cancer cells but it's not smart enough to kill only bad cells, it kills good cells too. Usually it doesn't kill all the good cells at once though. In Cindy's case the Chemo is working so well at killing cells - which is good, that it has knocked nearly all the white blood cells and neutrophil's out of her system - which is bad. What does this mean? It means that she is extremely susceptible to infections. She must avoid crowds. She must avoid anyone who is ill, even a tiny cough or cold to us could be a really big deal to her! She needs to keep her skin clean and dry. Reed has anti-bacterial gels all over the house now. Hydration is a must. 64 oz of water or fluids a day, minimum. And any sign of fever is reason to call the Doctor or head to the hospital. Thank goodness no fevers have appeared, except for those "hot flashes" she constantly experiences. (Women are not wusses is all I can say!!!!). In addition to low HCT, WBC and Neutrophil her Platelates are also low. Platelates are essential for blood clotting. It is best to avoid bruising and the use of a soft bristled tooth brush is good. It is also best to avoid shaving, so won't it be convenient when she looses the hair on her legs! All these conditions are to be expected with Chemotherapy but in Cindy these levels are unusually low which means just a little extra precaution needs to be taken.

This week is her "off" week, meaning she has no chemo treatment until the next Thursday, July 9th. They will have to check to see if her white cell count is higher than 1.5 in order to administer the chemo. She has a ways to go to get up to that level but last week she was given a shot that helps the white cells grow. We will keep our fingers crossed.

A couch potato she is not! Lying around is not one of Cindy's past times nor is it one she wants. (I told her she needs to take lessons from me :). I'm pretty good at lying around eating bonbon's.) Nonetheless she finds herself with little energy, a dizzy head and sensitive tummy. And for those of you who don't know, the Gardner home is also in the middle of a major remodel. (That alone could drive one nuts) So unfortunately instead of being able to rest up in her normally clean, well organized and serene home, she must put up with chaos, dust, construction sounds and can't even sleep in her own bed. At least we know that when this is all done, Cindy will be gorgeous and so will her home!

Please keep your prayers said, emails and card sent and blog comments posted! They mean so much to her and with visitors limited this next little while they will mean even more. Reed, Cindy and family send their thanks and love to you all.

Posted by Libby

Chemo is yucky!

For those who have gone through this before you can attest to the fact that Chemotherapy treatment is yucky! Every body reacts differently and even though they tell you that "typically most people react" one way that often doesn't help because ... well ... every body is different. Our poor little Cindy was hit by a brick wall yesterday and then run over by a dump truck! (figuratively speaking. And I believe that truck was full of a lot of compost, if you get my drift!). Within 20 minutes of leaving UCS - the Cancer Center she began feeling woozy! She developed a major headache and was nauseated all day. It didn't help that she was unable to eat anything prior to her treatment, due to the fact that she had to go into surgery later in the day and could not eat from midnight on, the night before. She was weak and tired and sick! But bless her heart - she mustered up enough strength and went to the surgical center - white as a ghost mind you - but they put her under and inserted the port-a-cath without incident.

The Surgeon came out to talk to us, while Cindy was in recovery. He was positive and upbeat and said "this is going to work". He was sure the Chemo was going to kill the cancer and shrink the tumor! Earlier in the day, Cindy and I talked about the fact that she was so sick so soon and that maybe it was a "good thing" because we know that the Chemo is in her body and killing all those cancer cells.

This morning, Karen brought over a bowl of fresh fruit. Cindy was on the back porch, taking in some cool morning air and getting just a bit of nutrition! Here's hoping the worst for this week is over!

posted by Libby

And so it begins....

Here we are at the UCS - Utah Cancer Specialists. Cindy is receiving her first Chemo treatment! They have given her anti nausea medicine by the arm load! And then she will take Emend capsules for the next three days to help with the nausea as well. She is on a regiment of DD-AC-T 4 times with treatment every two weeks for 8 weeks. These treatments will take just about an hour each. Once this is done she will take Taxol for another 4 treatments every two weeks. These sessions will be a bit longer because it is a slow drip - about 4 hours at the center. In four short months she will be done. Yippee! We have decided not to spell out every drug but just know that for now she is getting two Chemotherapy Drugs as well as a drug to stimulate the type of white blood cells which helps to fight infection.

The chairs are very comfy and Reed wants one for his new office. She enjoys a great view of Mt. Olympus but she does wish Reed would bring his chain saw next time to cut down the telephone poll that is right in the middle of her view! There are plenty of warm blankets in the oven (We want one of those at home for her!) and a stock pile of snacks and drinks and treats and movies. So far - so good!

Later this afternoon Cindy will have a port-a-cath put in so that they will not have to poke her veins so much. It will be about a 45 minute surgery, but she should be home tonight in her own bed, resting well!

Thanks to all for the love and support and prayers. We shall overcome!

posted by Libby

Compost Tip #2 - Let someone else do the grunt work

Usually when I get ready to plant my garden I enlist the help of someone bigger, stronger and more qualified to handle the dirty work (i.e. Reed). He's always there in the trenches with me, digging and humbly following my commands. He does the grunt work and I get all the glory for growing a beautiful garden. We all know the secret is in the dirt.

Well, in this case as you can all tell, Libby has been enlisted to handle the grunt work....not only is she a willing and devoted friend, but she is by far stronger, and more qualified to handle the job. She is doing the job I dread to do....just like Reed does when he so effortlessly puts his big strong body behind the shovel and turns the dirt. It's so much easier for him. I am always so grateful for his help because he does the part I do not want to do. And Libby, I am so grateful for you because not only are you doing what is hard for me, but it lightens my load and you are also so good at it! Thank you my friend!

Libby has given you a very accurate update and I am anxious and ready to begin taking care of this disease. I am so grateful for qualified doctors who are kind and sensitive and intuitive and doctors who have devoted their lives to improving and even saving ours. Every doctor, every step of the way, has been an important step in this process and has been instrumental in getting us to where we are. Reed and I feel very good about the upcoming treatment and also very blessed. In gardening, pruning encourages growth. I expect to have a very thick head of hair when this is over!

I love reading every one's comments - it buoys me up. I'm feeling very loved and supported and most of all grateful. There is something so humbling about feeling so loved...each one of you, and each expression of support touches my heart, makes me cry and then I am in awe of all the wonderful people we are so fortunate to have in our lives. The word "thank you" doesn't seem like it is adequate in comparison to the depth of gratitude I feel in my heart, but simply and sincerely.....Thank you so much! Thank you for your prayers. Please pray for us this week that the cancer will be receptive to the chemotherapy. I love you all.

What we know

This week has been enlightening. After numerous appointments with radiation specialists, surgeons and oncologist we are a little better informed. Cindy's cancer is an invasive ductile carcinoma with triple negative receptors. If a woman develops breast cancer, the cancer cells are tested for the presence of three receptors: estrogen, progesterone, and human epidermal growth factor 2 (HER2). Oncologists generally use these receptors or markers to guide their treatment decisions.

In Cindy's case , there are two lesions. One relatively large lump in the left breast and a second in the lymph nodes, most likely the sentinel node. Ductile carcinoma is a fairly common form of breast cancer, however the triple negative receptor factor, or T3 is a bit more rare and presents an added challenge in treatment. It is a good thing the HER2 is negative but the fact that the estrogen and progesterone receptors are negative means that the type of chemotherapy given is unable to be specifically targeted towards an individual form of cancer. Triple negative tends to be a bit more aggressive thus resulting in the larger tumor in a short amount of time. The good news is that statistical results show T3 tends to respond well to chemotherapy.

In order to monitor the effectiveness of the chemotherapy on the tumor it is highly recommended that pre-operative chemotherapy be given, especially to those with T3. This will allow the Doctors to monitor the effectiveness of the chemo to kill the cancer cells and also shrink the tumor. So....

On Tuesday - June 23 Cindy will begin chemotherapy treatment. This will last for four months. Once completed surgery will follow approximately 2-3 weeks later in order to remove the remaining tumor and lymph nodes. This will then be followed by approximately 6 weeks of radiation.

Yes Cindy will lose her hair. (But her good friend Karen has already taken her to have her portrait taken!) She will be extremely fatigued and will need naps and early to bed. She remains positive, faithful and humble in her attitude. Cindy is a fighter and does not allow difficult challenges to get in her way. (Even trees stripped of their bark. More on this in a later blog!)

Cindy is grateful for the support and love of family and friends. She LOVES reading your comments on her blog and getting your emails. Visits are important and needed, we simply ask that you keep them somewhat brief. Thank you all for your care. Cindy may be in the ring doing the main fighting but all of us surround her with love and support. You go girl!

Posted by Libby

Compost Tip #1 - It's a delicate balance

So they say it's not rocket science, but making good compost is a delicate balance of food, water, air and TLC. Oh, and it needs a home (preferably out of sight and down wind). However, if you do it right, it doesn't matter if it's down wind because it's really not supposed to be smelly. It only turns smelly if it has too much moisture and maybe some of the wrong ingredients. We seem to make a lot of compost at our house - not always with the right balance, but on occasion we have had some success and at times we have added to our garden that dark brown, moist, earthy smelling amendment called compost that makes our garden beautiful.....but we are still working on that perfect balance. As Libby said, the storm cloud may be hovering over our house, but we see a break in the clouds and the sun in beginning to shine through!

We have had some wonderful appointments this week with very skilled and knowledgeable doctors. No final decisions for treatment have been made yet, but each step of the way takes us further into that sunlight and the skies are looking more clear. I've been so uplifted by all of you, our dear family and friends. You are truly the best in the world and the flowers in my garden. You all know how much I love flowers - especially the ones that grow in that dark rich composted soil! Thank you for your love and support and encouraging words - I know it will keep me going. So many have been on this road before me and that also gives me strength. I am so thankful for your amazing examples. In actuality, I want everyone to know that the storm may seem like a big one from the outside looking in, but inside, I am blessed with peace and calm. I only know of One who has the power to calm storms and I am so grateful.

Storms

Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it. Winston Churchill

A storm is brewing. It is directly over the Gardner house. How I wish it were merely a blustery day that would last a few hours but I believe we may be facing a full blown hurricane. But instead of letting the current force her down and "pull her under" Cindy has chosen to once again resist. And in doing so, she soars.

Last week Cindy was confirmed with the diagnosis of breast cancer. Surgery will be required, along with radiation and chemotherapy. Tests after tests have been and will continue to be performed. Numerous appointments with numerous doctors have been scheduled. It is all still very new and we are hoping that by tomorrow we will have a clear picture of exactly what we are facing. (I say we because although Cindy is the one physically and emotionally going through all of this, the rest of us as her family and friends are in the storm as well. She is not alone!)

We are researching and attempting to become better educated in this disease. We are grateful for brilliant minds and skilled hands and modern medicine and technology. But most of all we are grateful for faith. It might be a bumpy ride. Rougher times are ahead. I personally plan on following Cindy's example to resist all that is bad. To fight for the good. And in doing so rise above all these trials.

Cindy will be posting her journey on this blog, along with updates from me as her designated scribe! It will be our way of keeping everyone informed without having to make countless calls, for she has countless loved ones who care! This way you can follow the technical progress and such, leaving you the ability to talk about other things with Cindy when you see her. Love to Reed and the kids as well. We encourage communication!

Comments on this blog are welcomed and encouraged! We will all get through this - together!

(posted by designated scribe - auntie libby )

A New Day

Cinny has decided to try this blogging thing again! We found a cute background for her. We found a cute, actually more appropriate name for her (and her family). We shall now try to encourage her to blog on!

She thinks she has no time to blog. We of the blogging world need to convince her otherwise of the value of a blog and how much we all like to blog stalk and we want to stalk her! So respond on and send any encouraging words.

(This post was written by aunite libby)