I know - it's been a week since my last chemo and it's past time for me to make an entry. To be honest, I've been avoiding it. You would think I would be anxious to shout to the whole world, or at least my friends..."I'm done being poisoned!" Am I glad I don't have to go back for another treatment? Oh, yes, I am so glad. Did I enjoy chemo? Hated it. Have I been looking forward to this time since the first side effects of chemo #1? With great anticipation. Do I want hair and eyelashes again? Yes, but eyelashes more than hair - hair takes so much time! So what's my problem? Why don't I feel this great sense of relief? I've been asking myself that for several days.... could it still be chemo brain? Am I just kind of emotionally desensitized? Am I just an ungrateful schmuck?
It finally hit me why my heart felt reluctant to celebrate while my mind was sure I was happy to be done. It's that mix of emotions - the kind you have when the journey you have been on, however long and challenging, has also brought you so many blessings that you can't even count them - I can truly say for me that this little journey's blessings have greatly outweighed the struggle. Some blessings may come but once, others will always stay by my side. I guess my problem is that I will miss some of those blessings. But they will all stay in my heart and not forgotten.
I made a list in my mind the other day and it became so long my mind could not mentally hold them all. This inability may come as no surprise to some of you, but really, it was an incredible list. Tonight it will go in my journal and probably many entries henceforth as the remembrance of blessings keep flooding my mind. I feel the deepest of gratitude - even for this experience because without it I would have missed so so much. So much experience, so many relationships strengthened, so much love.
I realize I am only through one leg of the journey, but all the courageous survivors I've talked to tell me it is the most difficult part. With surgery and radiation still to go, I look forward to being a "survivor" myself. For now, I'm going to continue to savor the blessings I've received - even though there are really too many to count. If that's my problem, I welcome it.
Having the best family, friends, neighbors, and bloggers in the world is an indisputable fact for me. A heartfelt thank you to all of you who celebrated with me in one way or another as I finished chemo #8. I did not go it alone - all your love and support gave me strength. Your prayers and faith gave me the fight when that weak side of me surfaced. You are, one of those many blessings I'm counting. You have been a part of a wonderful problem.