I know - it's been a week since my last chemo and it's past time for me to make an entry. To be honest, I've been avoiding it. You would think I would be anxious to shout to the whole world, or at least my friends..."I'm done being poisoned!" Am I glad I don't have to go back for another treatment? Oh, yes, I am so glad. Did I enjoy chemo? Hated it. Have I been looking forward to this time since the first side effects of chemo #1? With great anticipation. Do I want hair and eyelashes again? Yes, but eyelashes more than hair - hair takes so much time! So what's my problem? Why don't I feel this great sense of relief? I've been asking myself that for several days.... could it still be chemo brain? Am I just kind of emotionally desensitized? Am I just an ungrateful schmuck?
It finally hit me why my heart felt reluctant to celebrate while my mind was sure I was happy to be done. It's that mix of emotions - the kind you have when the journey you have been on, however long and challenging, has also brought you so many blessings that you can't even count them - I can truly say for me that this little journey's blessings have greatly outweighed the struggle. Some blessings may come but once, others will always stay by my side. I guess my problem is that I will miss some of those blessings. But they will all stay in my heart and not forgotten.
I made a list in my mind the other day and it became so long my mind could not mentally hold them all. This inability may come as no surprise to some of you, but really, it was an incredible list. Tonight it will go in my journal and probably many entries henceforth as the remembrance of blessings keep flooding my mind. I feel the deepest of gratitude - even for this experience because without it I would have missed so so much. So much experience, so many relationships strengthened, so much love.
I realize I am only through one leg of the journey, but all the courageous survivors I've talked to tell me it is the most difficult part. With surgery and radiation still to go, I look forward to being a "survivor" myself. For now, I'm going to continue to savor the blessings I've received - even though there are really too many to count. If that's my problem, I welcome it.
Having the best family, friends, neighbors, and bloggers in the world is an indisputable fact for me. A heartfelt thank you to all of you who celebrated with me in one way or another as I finished chemo #8. I did not go it alone - all your love and support gave me strength. Your prayers and faith gave me the fight when that weak side of me surfaced. You are, one of those many blessings I'm counting. You have been a part of a wonderful problem.
Power of Prayer is amazing... and it is so nice when the answers are "yes". (cuz when the answers are "no" sometimes it take a long time to recognize the "blessing"... if you know what I mean!)
ReplyDeleteSOOOO relieved that you are done with this phase... may the blessings keep pouring your direction as you continue down the path.
Wow! You are amazing! I have been learning the past few years that I cannot direct the wind, but I can change the direction of the sails. You have done that beautifully!
ReplyDeleteI love you so much!
Brenda
OK, so I just barely got my make-up on to go teach this songwriting class and now it's running off my face onto my clean shirt! I love you and I love your beautiful vision. (And I do love your beautiful bald head!)
ReplyDeleteCindy, you are so amazing! I love to read your blog, it's like a little glimpse into your journal, such a wonderful attitude & a reminder of how fortunate we are to have great friends and family who help us through the tough stuff. Congratulations on this huge milestone! Hugs :)
ReplyDeleteCindy: So fun spending time with you and Karen today. Your experience strengthens my testimony of the fact that good can always come through the bad if we are open to the love of God and others and open to learning. It reminds me of Cori'song about the broken kernals of wheat yielding bread, etc. Hardships and challenges truly humble us and can lift our hearts toward Heaven if we resist bitterness. You truly are a light on the hill; thanks for sharing your light with all of us- Love- Mary
ReplyDeleteI hear you Cindy. I felt the same way. I didn't ever want to lose the lessons I had learned from my cancer. I decided to write them all down one day and now I go back and read them to remind myself.....it is sooo easy just to slip back into life and forget all that we were taught through the experience. I doubt that you will though as you are very sensitive to the Spirit.
ReplyDeleteMarsha
Marsha
Cindy, I keep typing and deleting, typing and deleting, typing and deleting, wanting to say just the right thing and I can't think of the right thing. My heart is very full and when I read your blog, I just feel so grateful that I am blessed to know you and to have the opportunity to learn from you. Thank you for being you. I love you. Woohoo, chemo's OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Diane
ReplyDelete